Life never lets me even taken a single breath lately. My head has been spinning around and the pace wont seem to be slower anytime soon. I never live my life as a drama queen, nor my life is anything drama-like. But, it didn’t appear that way this couple months.
I even feel that my story has so much twists that worth getting a TV Adaptation. haha
Well, in these past months,
I lost my job,
I lost some of my friends.
As if those aren’t enough, someone who’s used to say he loves me, has changed into someone who once loved me.
They said bad things happened for a reason, so maybe I just reaped what I sow. For someone with mental illness like me, it’s rather surprising not to have any tragedies before. I just didn’t see it’s coming because I had been living quite an easy life, and even maybe took it for granted..
Nah, those are already at past anyway. As you know, I’m already getting a new job, though still as a trainee, but it’s better than nothing. Even though I haven’t been able to adapt well with this new environment yet, at least, I still make a living, haha.
I lost some of friends who appeared to be some people whom I know nothing about and who knows nothing about me. So, I think it wasn’t counted as a real loss, instead a revelation of how knowing people for years doesn’t make them your allies. I was an ignorant for not realizing this sooner.
And about that someone whom I always thought carrying my half-soul, the person turned out to be someone who’s not so different with those ‘friends’ I lost before him. Grasping the truth about how all this time that someone was only trying his best to put up with me and not necessarily accepting me for the way I am, is kind of hurt, badly. I always thought he knew me better than myself, turned out that he was only enduring all kind of things and still couldn’t fathom my heart as it is. Ha. Though all memories we shared seems like big fat lies now, I’m trying my best not to regret having them. I wont said that it didn’t leave any wounds, but I’m sure, time will heal it for me, or at last, make me forget.
Yes, it’s unfortunate, for those years to get wasted, but I’m kind of relieved, because it helps me learning another bitter truth about this life. Even with someone whom you’re always spending your time and heart with, it’s still highly possible for you to be seen with the very same eyes some stranger uses to see you in a random place.
Devoted your life with the same person for years wont give you any guarantee that you’ll be seen as the person in your heart rather than the person you seems to be. Being together with and understand someone is clearly not the same thing.
I do know that I have some serious attitude problems that most people cant comprehend (that’s why I said I have mental illness, haha). It doesn’t mean I never try fixing them. It’s just no matter what I do, the evil always seems to be the winner. So my last hope, is to find a place where I’ll be accepted for the real me, not for the masks I should put on sometimes. I wish this peaceful dream will come true someday, somehow, somewhere.